I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
