New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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