Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
