no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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