I faked an abortion last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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