Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
