he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
