My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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