Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
