what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
