If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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