Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
