I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
