dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
