i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
