Someone shit on the floor
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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