nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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