He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
