dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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