you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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