I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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