im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
