I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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