When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
