Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
