I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
