She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
