Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
