I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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