OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
