If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
