mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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