chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
