Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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