You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
