i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
