I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
