I am puke
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
