Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
tell me about the eggs
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
