i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
