I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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