4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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