My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
