you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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