This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
