Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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