I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
