We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's always time for handjobs
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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