is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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