I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
