i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
