I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
