This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
