Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I have demons in me.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
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Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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