My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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