someone threw a dead crab at me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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