When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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